Philosophy
Channelling Miss Manners today. (I've actually met Miss Manners, but that's a story for another day...)
The hecticness of life feeds on itself. With so much going on and so much to do coming from every direction, too often we have to pass on things we really want to do. Sometimes the social world lines up in such a way that conflicts force you say, "Wish I could, but I just can't" to an invitation from a friend. A while later, the friend invites you again. "Cool, this'll be fun," you think to yourself, then checking your calendar, you think, "Shit!" and explain in as regretful a tone as possible that you do really want to go, but you have something that you are committed to that just can't be moved. And with the explanation comes a sense of foreboding because you know there will be a third invitation to do something in the months to come and that third invitation will be different, it is no longer just an invitation, it is an obligation. No matter how silly or trivial the day's activity, you will have to rearrange and reschedule, move things seemingly much bigger out of the way because you CAN'T say no again.
The fact is, you really like this person, enjoy his or her company, and all other things being equal would have much preferred to have accepted all three invitations. But you couldn't and now, backing out on this one would not just be backing out. One is just the reality of a busy life, two is an unfortunate coincidence, three is a pattern. After three excuses, no matter how valid, no matter how substantiated, that third "sorry" in a row sends a message that you don't mean to be sent, that you don't want to spend time with them, that they are not important enough to fit into your life, that they are unacceptably low on your list of personal priorities. The first two are about your schedule, but the third one is about your relationship.
The third invitation, even if it is no so intended, is a meta-invitation and it comes with a different level of obligation. The question now is not merely "do you want to go do this?" but becomes interpretable as "aren't we friends?"
One interesting exception to this scenario, however. If between the first and the third invitation, you've extended an invitation to them, the point becomes moot. By showing that you're also making an effort to spend time together, you've undermined the concern that you are avoiding them even if, indeed especially if, they had to bail on your suggestion. At that point, the inability to find a mutually open spot on the calendar becomes an inside joke.
Is there another way to handle the third time meta-obligation?
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Philosophy
Reflections on the Third Time Meta-Obligation
Channelling Miss Manners today. (I've actually met Miss Manners, but that's a story for another day...)
The hecticness of life feeds on itself. With so much going on and so much to do coming from every direction, too often we have to pass on things we really want to do. Sometimes the social world lines up in such a way that conflicts force you say, "Wish I could, but I just can't" to an invitation from a friend. A while later, the friend invites you again. "Cool, this'll be fun," you think to yourself, then checking your calendar, you think, "Shit!" and explain in as regretful a tone as possible that you do really want to go, but you have something that you are committed to that just can't be moved. And with the explanation comes a sense of foreboding because you know there will be a third invitation to do something in the months to come and that third invitation will be different, it is no longer just an invitation, it is an obligation. No matter how silly or trivial the day's activity, you will have to rearrange and reschedule, move things seemingly much bigger out of the way because you CAN'T say no again.
The fact is, you really like this person, enjoy his or her company, and all other things being equal would have much preferred to have accepted all three invitations. But you couldn't and now, backing out on this one would not just be backing out. One is just the reality of a busy life, two is an unfortunate coincidence, three is a pattern. After three excuses, no matter how valid, no matter how substantiated, that third "sorry" in a row sends a message that you don't mean to be sent, that you don't want to spend time with them, that they are not important enough to fit into your life, that they are unacceptably low on your list of personal priorities. The first two are about your schedule, but the third one is about your relationship.
The third invitation, even if it is no so intended, is a meta-invitation and it comes with a different level of obligation. The question now is not merely "do you want to go do this?" but becomes interpretable as "aren't we friends?"
One interesting exception to this scenario, however. If between the first and the third invitation, you've extended an invitation to them, the point becomes moot. By showing that you're also making an effort to spend time together, you've undermined the concern that you are avoiding them even if, indeed especially if, they had to bail on your suggestion. At that point, the inability to find a mutually open spot on the calendar becomes an inside joke.
Is there another way to handle the third time meta-obligation?
- Mitt Romney And Richard Grennell: Is There An Obligation To Stand Up For Your People?
The Richard Grennell flap has me thinking. Mitt Romney hired a gay conservative who worked under John Bolton in the George W. Bush administration to be his spokesperson for foreign policy matters. Grennell is open about his sexual orientation. ...
- Do You Have An Obligation To Join A Professional Organization?
I'm ashamed to admit that I did not renew my membership in the American Philosophical Association this year. Things are tight and it was expensive, so I let it go. I feel guilty about it; but not being on the job market, I can live without it, so...
- Zoos And Moral Responsibility
An interesting question from Lee:I posted a link to a diary on DailyKos asking people to petition Mayor Bloomberg to maintain funding to the Bronx Zoo. I included a link where one could donate to the zoo itself. A friend replied, somewhat facetiously,...
- Do Senior Faculty Have An Obligation To Retire?
Stealing this post from the Leiter Blog (it wasn't Leiter's question, so I feel less bad picking it up here). With the economic downturn, retirement accounts have taken a serious shot. As a result, there are going to be people who would have...
- Jay Walker's Library
This article has been plastered all over the Internet at various science sites and it is cool and worth mentioning. So much STUFF. I have books and STUFF too but not displayed like this...and I stumble over my STUFF. This is a fantastic collection. My...