Philosophy

Physician, Heal Myself

This week's Comedist meditation is on doctors.

I've been to see physicians several times this week having been diagnosed with Lyme disease. I had all the usual symptoms, fever, chills, a bull's eye rash, and an uncontrollable urge to bathe in Corona beer. But it has me thinking about doctors.

There are many, many jokes about doctors. From this classic:

Patient: Doctor it hurts when I go like this.
Doctor: So, don't go like that.

To their social status:

Christians believe that life begins at conception, Buddhists believe that it begins at quickening, and Taoists at birth. Jews don't believe that one is fully human until graduation from medical school.

There is even the occasional dirty joke about doctors:

A patient goes to see the doctor because he is suffering from them most tremendous migraine headaches. He tells the doctor that he's tried everything, medicine, diet, cold compresses, but nothing seems to work. The doctor says, "You know, I used to have the same thing and it may sound strange, but I found that the one thing that made them go away, and I know this will sound strange, is when I used to go down on my wife. When she would have an orgasm, her legs would tense up and the pressure against my head would clear up the headaches. You might want to try that." The next week the patient comes back and the doctor asks how his headaches are. "The patient says, "Completely cured. It worked perfectly. And may I say what a lovely house you have."

Physicians are easy marks for jokes because they fill so many niches: visits to the doctor are a common experience everyone shares, they are associated with illness and death which we fear and want to make fun of to feel better, they have great power and social standing and can be a wee bit arrogant, making them ripe for the ribbing.

But my favorite doctor jokes come from the one and only Rodney Dangerfield who so recently began playing that big Caesar's in the sky:

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

May you all be healthy, happy, and funny.

Irreverend Steve

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